MORE LOVE: It’s an Investment
There is a story I like to tell called The Best Investment I’ve Ever Made, and I’m going to tell it here.
When I was 17, I went to a summer church festival and ran into a group of guys I knew from grade school and high school. I remember talking to them and their friend, a guy who also went to my high school. I didn’t know the guy very well, but I knew of him, not just because our school was small, but because he was cute; super cute; ridiculously cute; like maybe even one of the cutest guys in school cute.
But the word on the street, or in the Catholic high school hallway, was that he knew it. And he was smart, and he knew that too. In other words, I believed he was so conceited - as we used to say in the ’80s.
With barely a nugget of confidence, I was the opposite. And I was just OK in the cute department. My compliments were more like, “She’s so sweet!” In fact, I remember exactly what I was wearing on the night of the festival: a white long-sleeve boat-neck shirt tucked into pleated navy-blue knee shorts and held up by a brown leather belt. The outfit was punctuated by white socks, penny loafers, shoulder pads, and a borrowed gold chain of my mom’s. I looked 35.
This guy was wearing a campaign shirt promoting his uncle for judge, shorts, a cast on his leg from a football injury, and a big, dimpled grin that made me forget everything else. I stood there thinking, This guy is REALLY FUNNY and seems NICE???… Hmmm. Not what I expected.
Fast forward to a few weeks later, when two friends each told us separately that the other one was interested (we weren’t, but they needed someone to double date with), and we all started hanging out.
One night we found ourselves at a local dive called Gold Star Chili in a big group of friends. We were flirty with each other, and when it came time to leave, I grabbed the bill for his three cheese coneys and insisted on paying.
It wasn’t long after that we officially started dating. Coincidence? I don’t think so : ).
Thousands of dimpled grins, two babies, and many years later, that $3 is now known as the best investment I’ve ever made.
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I recognize both the charm of this story and its ability to produce “gag me” responses from a crowd whose happily ever after either hasn’t occurred or somehow got derailed.
From the outside, it can look like we have had it so easy (and in many ways we have), but as anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows, the photos on Facebook aren’t the whole story.
So, in this month that Brian and I celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary, I want to mark the milestone by capturing 25 things I’ve learned on the journey so far. These are not absolute truths, but rather, my truths about long-term love, and those of you who have been at this as long or longer than us are sure to recognize more than a few.
The Essentials
1. You have to pick the right person. This is the piece of advice that Brian says every time someone asks him what the secret is. There was a mix of God’s hand and luck for sure, but when we got married, we truly cared for each other as friends. That hasn’t changed.
2. Happily Ever After starts with Happily Today. The writer Annie Dillard has a great quote: “How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.” I’d say this can be adapted to marriage, too.
3. Being happy to see each other when one of us walks through the door is an easy gift to give, and it’s a lot cheaper than jewelry. Is there anything better than coming home to someone who is looking forward to seeing you? Well, maybe, if they have a favorite dinner waiting, too!
4. Traditions are important. We have pizza stones as old as our marriage, and the thing I love the most about them is that they’re well-used. Friday night is movie night; Saturday morning is coffee in bed; Sunday is homemade breakfast and laundry day. The cadence of these things holds our life together.
5. Physical attraction and connection aren’t EVERYTHING, but they are a pretty big SOMETHING, and without them, everything else gets more challenging. Staying tuned into this part of marriage is most difficult when life gets busy, but it’s also the one thing that can quickly minimize other issues. Brian voted for this to be at the top of the list : ).
Communication
6. Big talk is required. An instructor in a class I’m taking recently shared the term “big talk” with us. It’s the opposite of “small talk.” Brian and I have a lot of big talk. Our marriage has been one long conversation that has taken many twists and turns, and we never run out of things to say.
7. Listening is a marriage superpower. Knowing when to shut up and listen took me a long time. I finally realized I don’t have all the answers (I know, shocking!), and I certainly can’t offer good answers if I haven’t listened in the first place.
8. Sometimes, it’s about what’s left unsaid. There have been times when I’ve wanted to say the thing, the zinger, the perfect comeback. At first, it was as irresistible as eating a whole bag of candy corn. But as time went by, I realized that while it tasted really good, I felt terrible afterward.
9. Sometimes, it’s about what IS said. It was probably a good decade before I stopped expecting Brian to read my mind. It’s much easier to just tell him what I’m thinking. This includes asking for help when I need it, airing a grievance instead of stuffing it down, and telling him when I need an extra dose of encouragement.
10. Mixing it up is part of the deal. We have yelled, dug our heels in, pushed each other’s buttons, served up the silent treatment, and generally hurt each other’s feelings for sure — but luckily, these aren’t things we do often. . We always say sorry, and so far, we always mean it.
Family
11. Carefree timelessness (a concept I learned from Matthew Kelly) was and continues to be a blessing in our family — unstructured time being together with no agenda has allowed us to grow deep roots. It’s also the thing that made it a little easier to watch our birdies fly because we had thousands of memories with them.
12. It’s a balance of learning to hold on and let go all at once. Uncertainty is a part of marriage, and certainly a part of life. The unexpected phone calls, the losing of people you love, the aging of our minds and bodies, the peaks and valleys, the disappointments, the empty nest — so much of life is about letting go. Holding on to each other has made these things easier.
13. Humor and playfulness solve a lot of problems. Some days we drive each other crazy, but in the end, I’m still married to the guy who has made me laugh more than anyone else on earth. Having hundreds of inside jokes that can produce instant laughs is a bonus of being together so much.
14. Take care of each other as you want to be taken care of. Is there really anything as simple, straightforward, and effective as the Golden Rule?
15. The right person makes you want to be a better person. There have been days when I’d love nothing more than to stay in bed, watch Netflix, and have popcorn for lunch and dinner. But being with the right person has motivated me to get up and get going even when I don’t feel like it.
The Little Things
16. Take turns picking the movie. I don’t think there’s a better example of give and take than scrolling through Netflix trying to figure out what to watch together. He’s watched more than his share of documentaries, and I probably owe him a few more superhero movies, too.
17. Home should be a soft place to land. The world is hard, so we’ve tried to make the vibe of our home one where we both feel supported. We try to give each other the benefit of the doubt, and God knows, we’ve both needed it occasionally.
18. A well-timed love note (or post-it) can create a memory for a lifetime. Small surprises are one of the things I love most about being in a close relationship. From passing notes in high school to finding a post-it on the steering wheel, sweet sentiments go a long way.
19. Finding new things to enjoy is like uncovering buried treasure. We’ve always been a take the good with the bad kind of couple, so empty-nesting (while much harder for me probably) has been a perfect opportunity to discover new hobbies. Bird watching, cooking, or perfecting a charcuterie board, anyone?
20. Mix-tapes never go out of style. Music has been a shortcut to staying connected and expressing all the big emotions, and it’s way easier to make one nowadays with Spotify than during the cassette tape days.
The Big Things
21. Trust is built through admitting mistakes and saying sorry. This one got easier as time passed, and being able to say I’m wrong, apologize, and mean it is as healing for me as it is for Brian.
22. In the age of oversharing, I’ve learned to keep some things to myself. I realize I’m writing this in an essay that I’m publishing on the internet, but I’ve come to cherish the everyday parts of our relationship that are ours alone. No instagramming, facebooking, blabbering, etc. The things big and little that only we know.
23. Being a big fan keeps the flame alive. Looking for the best has helped me to keep my radar up for the things about Brian that I initially fell in love with. I want to be his biggest fan both in my interactions with him and when talking about him to others.
24. Getting “AWAY” makes for a happier relationship. Over the years “away” has ranged from a neighborhood walk, to a night without the kids, to week-long getaways. Getting out of our routine to just enjoy being with each other continues to be a reset button that helps us remember how much we like each other.
25. Pray. No explanation needed.
Conclusion
As I look back over the last 25 years, I can clearly see that More Love is always a good thing. These 25 investments have been part of the glue that holds it all together. I’m crazy grateful for a wonderful and willing partner who continues to be a source of support, love, humor, happiness, and dimpled grins. I have a feeling there are at least 3 cheese coneys in his future and, hopefully, many more years of facing this wild and wonderful life together.
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